On Decadence

Today, Gentle Readers, I did something that I haven't done in months, possibly a year -- and maybe even longer than that.

I took a whole day for myself. I watched two full episodes of a television show that I knew I would like the first time I heard about it (but hadn't gotten around to until now), I messed around online for no other reason than to mess around online, I slept for a full 12 hours (went to bed at 3am, woke at 3pm), I did two loads of laundry (clean underwear!) and I did NOT think about anybody else, their needs, their wants, their whatevers. I just took a break from it all.

I didn't think about what I had to do, the many projects I have on the go, the deadlines coming up, work, play, friends (and the dire straits that some of them are in), my health or lack thereof, or anything else. In fact, I don't think I really thought at all, save to figure out what I wanted to do next.

It was heavenly. I felt as though, shortly after Fish came home and I realized that my me time was over, I was doing something incredibly sinful. Then I realized that while it wasn't a sin, it was definitely decadent. Indulgent. Like buying silk sheets or cheese that's $20/pound, just because you can, and for no other reason than because you want whatever it is you're buying. And I realized something else too. For the last however long, I have even been giving myself rewards not because I deserve them, but because it's merely one more duty. Even finding the time and money to reward myself has felt like a chore, one more thing checked off the To Do list.And then I'd go right on to the next thing on the list.

I don't know when I stopped feeling pleasure in doing things just because I want to, and not because I have to. I also don't know when I started doing things because they were part of my Duty and not merely because I enjoyed them. Somewhere along the line I got the idea that doing something for a noble purpose was better than doing something merely because you wanted to do it. If you were going to do a thing, it had better have a solid reason behind it, or else it wasn't worth doing. Which is ok up to a point, but . . . I think I may have taken it to excess.

I had a lot of fun today doing virtually nothing. What little I did I did solely because I wanted to do it. It wasn't a duty. It wasn't an obligation. It wasn't for a deadline. Or to save somebody else's ass, or to take up somebody's slack. It was just because I found it fun to do. For the last  . . . year, maybe longer? I've been doing things that have a reason behind them. They're part of something else, or it's a Very Important Part Of My Life and I *must* do them, or else. Duty, obligation, fulfilling a need, taking care of a problem, something.

But today, I was free of all of that. And I've decided that I am going to have to do this again more often. And in token of this new resolve, I am hereby stating for the public record that I like Republic of Doyle, quite a lot really, and for no other reason than because its snarky, sarcastic humor makes me laugh. There is no other noble purpose. No socially acceptable reason. That television show is fun for me to watch. And I like to laugh, I haven't been doing a lot of that recently.