A Little Anxiety

Gentle Readers. . .

I am about to come out. I have autism. Actually, I have Asperger's, which means that I'm very different from Joe Average and am not very neurotypical, like the rest of you.

However, unlike many others with Asperger's, I don't suffer from a whole lot of noticeable anxiety, and I don't have a lot of meltdowns. But when I do, they tend to be big affairs, stuff it takes a while to recover from, mentally, even if I don't cry and carry on like some children do. When I meltdown I withdraw. Totally. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I just shut down 200%, particularly if I cannot get out of the situation. And most neurotypicals tend to interpret this as me being 'shy' or just me being an 'introvert', when I'm actually in considerable distress and need help. Unfortunately, I can't ask for help during a meltdown as I become non-verbal.

Recently I got reproved by somebody online. He doesn't know me from Adam and we will likely never meet in person (this is what social media does to our relationships!!) but it came at a bad time. I was already feeling a little anxious over my Amtrak trip of considerable length and about staying with a friend of mine, mostly because this requires me to leave my comfort zone and kills my routines and so on.

But I am going to my friend's home specifically so that we can see this individual perform. And my Asperger's brain is SURE, 200% convinced, with absolute conviction, that this gent who so far has only had one poor online interaction with me, is going to do something horrible to me in public (decry me from the stage, perhaps) and humiliate me and forbid me from ever being in his presence ever again.

Ridiculous, right? Of course. In reality he has forgotten all about it (because there are other massively important things taking up his time right now), in reality he won't stop the show because of me, in reality I am not that important. In reality, I can go to the concert and feel safe 'cause there's absolutely no way what I fear would happen.

But such is the joy of a brain with Asperger's that I have had to deal with this fear ever since the (admittedly small) incident happened. And it has sucked out the joy and anticipation entirely.

I suppose a psychologist would have reasons for why my brain had this response, I can guess at some of them. A lifetime of authority figures pointing their fingers and snarling at me would be one. My trust issues, another. PTSD (because I was bullied so badly for the first 13 years of my life), a good third. There are probably more.

All I know is that I have 2 days to work through this fear and anxious state and to reclaim the excited joy again of going on vacation to see my best friend and to make music with her and to take her to her first concert with these particular performers.

I hope I can do it.